New LHC Procedures

NEW CERN PROCEDURES TO BE IMPLEMENTED IMMEDIATEY TO PREVENT FURTHER “BIRD’N’BAGUETTE” SETBACKS AT THE LHC

To All CERN Employees:

By now you have heard of the unfortunate recent setback to the LHC caused by a bird dropping an improperly disposed-of baguette  inside the LHC. Our security cameras have caught the culprit in action and here is a still of the unfortunate incident:

VERY IMPORTANT! This situation is NOT to repeat itself, and in order to minimize the possibility of a repeat setback of this particular nature we are ordering you to affect the following changes in procedures, effective immediately:

1) To CERN Security Guards

Birds are NO LONGER ALLOWED to enter our buildings. Please increase your vigilance. Particularly, should a PhD ask you to exchange parking lot space nameplates with a fellow PhD with whom they have personal/professional issues to get them  a spot closer to the LHC entrance, you are NOT to comply with this request until your fellow guard returns from his or her nap in the restroom. Specifically, you are to have at least one guard present and bird-watching at your station before playing musical nameplates.

2) To Our Wonderful Cafeteria Kitchen Staff

Loose baguettes and other organic foodstuffs are not to be tolerated, especially since Security seems incapable of keeping birds out of our facilities.

Please understand that we mean no disrespect in the following procedures we wish you to implement. We fully appreciate your excellent cooking skills especially the fine French Chardonnays and Johnny Walker Blue Scotch-on-the-rocks you prepare and serve in the Executive Lunchroom. We merely ask that you help us maintain this facility in such a way that we all still have a job next year.

First, please keep the lids of all waste receptacles closed at all times.

Second, dispose of all organic waste (especially baguettes) by walking over to the receptacle, lifting the lid, scrapping off the waste from plates into the receptacle, then closing the lid. Keeping the lid open and playing scraps basketball from across the room is no longer an option. We must all work as a team if there is any frigging hope of getting this infernal machine up and running at something even resembling full power.

3) To our newest employees, CERN Bird Hunters

Welcome aboard, mates! Feel free to avail yourselves at any time of the fine dining experiences in our Executive Lunchroom, and please forgive the intolerably long meetings regarding your skills or whatever random bullshit that are held mainly by second-tier managers in pathetic attempts to justify their continued employment. Happy hunting, and please don’t shoot at our excellent welds, or welders, however firing at empty bottles of Warsteiners found along beam pipes are fair game for target practice.

4) To all CERN employees

Please immediately report any loose baguettes or birds to those Union employees whose job it is to dispose of them, or to your immediate supervisor. If this intolerable event were to be repeated we may have to exert harsh cost-cutting measures to prevent the LHC  from going the way of the United States’ SSC, that is to say: canceled.

Said harsh measures may include but would not be limited to frozen salaries, layoffs, the hiring of less competent welders, and to show that we in Management are willing to share the pain, a 25% increase in the water content of the Scotch-and-waters served in the Executive Lunchroom by our fine Kitchen Staff.

Gratefully yours,

CERN Management

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