Thursday, March 24, 2011

Human Males and Human Females - Our Differences Perfectly Explained

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at Southern Methodist University, English 44A, SMU, Creative Writing, Prof. Miller. In-class Assignment for Wednesday:

"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

"The following was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca - last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted."

STORY:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S.Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

by Rebecca

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth-- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

by Gary

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table."We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

by Rebecca

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

by Gary

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

by Rebecca

Asshole.

by Gary

Bitch.

THE END


And then there's the Children:

9 comments:

Jérôme CHAUVET said...

Hilarious !!!

Ulla said...

Most amusing :) AND illustrates perfectly the simple-mindedness of men. Would there be no wars if women were leaders?

I still laugh! But I feel for the neurotic, asthmatic woman.

Steven Colyer said...

Thank you, Ulla. We have similar thoughts, just remember men are ONLY simple from a woman's point of view. indeed, you ladies have an easier time figuring out us than vice versa.

Anyway, this is my usual mantra of this sort of thing:


The human male brain and human female brain are much more similar than different, but the differences add up at times to an incredible misunderstanding between the genders, which is tragic when it leads to fighting and divorce.

The primary difference is there are many more interconnections between the two halves of the female brain that the male. Note that I did NOT say females have more brain cells, just that they have more connections.

What this means is that females can switch back and forth between their logical and emotional sides, quite rapidly in fact, much more so than males.

As an example, if you see a man working on a project, he seems so-o-o focused. We really don't like to be interrupted when completing a task. So from the female perspective, what this means is that men tend to "go through life with blinders on."

As another example, two females talking for 20 minutes can cover a dozen or more subjects in that conversation, and not reach a conclusion about anything! This frustrates men, and makes us call women "chatty Cathys," because when WE men talk to each other, it's only after working things out for ourselves, not succeeding, and trying to get an opinion of another guy's, for help. Our conversations therefore tend to be short, say 5-10 minutes on average, with 1 to 2 topics discussed and conclusions, or at least strong opinions, produced by both parties.

I have therefore come to the conclusion that ALL managers should be female for the most part, and all workers: male. I think any society so constructed would succeed, and succeed better than the others.

And in fact, we did have such a society once: the American Indians, which were VERY matriarchal. An "Indian Chief" was a temporary title, and invoked only during war. But guess who picked the chief and sent him forth? :)

Ulla said...

All workers, men, yes, that one I like :) Like bee communities :) But they are without gender :(

One big difference that you did not mention is when a woman talk to a man he doesn't listen to her opinion, what also this discussion above illustrates very well. Why do he consider his opinions as more important? I suppose this is the main reason for divorces. The communication simply stops. Men are very bad listeners. In the book you parody on they say men DO work, and that is SO true. They simply DO too much. That's why they say when they'll die, "I should have done less work", remember!

This is why woman have easier figuring out men, and we think men are simple-minded :) The main reason is though the reproductive roles, and the sexual biology. We should learn to know each other better.

Then there aremen saying that it is much easier discussing with women than with men. The competition comes in so strongly with men, and this leads to fight and war.

Steven Colyer said...

Here's the number one reason for Divorce. This is a joke from the film: Annie Hall:

COUPLES COUNSELOR: How frequently do you have sex?

ANNIE HALL: Oh, lots! 3 or 4 times a week!

COUPLES COUNSELOR: How frequently do you have sex?

WOODY ALLEN: Not very much. Only 3-4 times a week.

Conclusion? Hugging and cuddling ain't the same as intercourse. OK, I'll go now before my wife reads this, and I get myself in deeper shit than I already am. ;-0

Ulla said...

You should discuss with your wife, and LISTEN to her, not run away :)

Sex is not as important as the listening.

Steven Colyer said...

I've had these discussions with my wife, just trying to spread the good news. She thinks blogging and Facebook are stupid is all, and I disagree. No two people see eye to eye on everything but we're pretty close, closer than most from what I've observed.

Ulla said...

My husband totally agrees with your wife :)

Steven Colyer said...

Well, blogging is being replaced rapidly by podcasts from what I've heard, and Facebook is insanely addictive from what I've experienced.

The youngest people, especially high school and college-age people, typically drive the changes in technology. I'm grateful that we've lived long enough to see these changes, although no change happens without its share of drawbacks, eh?

In short people over 40 tend to oppose these changes and not participate, so neither your husband's nor my wife's attitude surprises, and of course they have a right to their opinion.