Friday, February 4, 2011

ALL My Jokes On One Page

No matter where I serve my guests, they seem to like my jokes best. Math, Physics, and Engineering jokes.

OK, so much for being serious. My readers seem to like my various jokes pages best, so for them, I have collected them all on one page, here. We shall return to sanity tomorrow. P.S. I'm always looking for better ones.

Enjoy:

The Visual Guide to Engineering Jokes

Bridge to Nowhere





Computer Engineering





Architecture and Engineering





The Second Worst Invention After Pantyhose (From a Man's Point of View)





Murphy Shows Up For Work, Yet Again


 




The Usual Excuse (especially at Chrysler pre-Iacocca)






Creation


 



Engineers' Wedding Rings


 


An Engineer's View of String Theory






Dublin Time Machine





"Don't worry, Boss, this Antarctic ice is very thick. It'll support the weight of the backhoe, no worries." ... Murphy





Worst Plane Design





The Ford Edsel





Volkswagon's The Thing





Los Angeles Traffic Engineering





Not My Job







MATH JOKES

A mathematician and an engineer are sitting at a table drinking when a very beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the bar.

The mathematician sighs. "I'd like to talk to her, but first I have to cover half the distance between where we are and where she is, then half of the distance that remains, then half of that distance, and so on. The series is infinite. There'll always be some finite distance between us."

The engineer gets up and starts walking. "Ah, well, I figure I can get close enough for all practical purposes."

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A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems
... Alfréd Rényi

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A topologist is a mathematician who can't tell the difference between a doughnut and a coffee mug.

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Did you know that all numbers are interesting? What’s that? You don’t believe me? Well I have a proof. Suppose not every number is interesting. Then let n be the smallest uninteresting number. That’s a rather interesting property isn’t it?
... Ron Graham



Q: What is the difference between a mathematician and a philosopher?
A: The mathematician only needs paper, pencil, and a trash bin for his work - the philosopher can do without the trash bin...



Q: What is the difference between a Ph.D. in mathematics and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.



When the math professor's wife returns home from work, she finds an envelope on the living room table. She opens it and finds a letter from her husband:

My dearest wife,

We have been married for nearly thirty years, and I still love you as much as on the day I proposed. You must realize, however, that you are now 54 years old and no longer able to satisfy certain needs I still have. I very much hope that you are not hurt to learn that, while you're reading this, I'm in a hotel room with an 18-year-old freshman girl from my calculus class. I'll be home before midnight.

Your husband, who will never stop loving you.


When the professor returns from the hotel shortly before midnight, he also finds an envelope in the living room. He opens it and reads:

My beloved husband,

You may recall that you, too, are 54 years old and no longer able to satisfy certain needs I still have. I thus hope that you are not hurt to learn that, while you're reading this, I am in a hotel room with the 18-year-old pool boy.

Your loving wife.

P.S. As a mathematician, you are certainly aware of the fact that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't stay up and wait for me.




Q. Why do mathematicians like national parks?

A. Because of the natural logs.



Q: Why didn’t Newton discover group theory?
A: Because he wasn’t Abel.



The integral of e raised to the power of x equals the function of u raised to the power of n.

(Write it out in notation to see the joke)

Did you really write it out? You didn't do that in your head? ;-)



True story:
A student walked into his discrete math class late and in order not to interrupt he put his late slip on the teacher's desk furtively without the teacher noticing. The teacher noticed the slip on his desk afterwards. He commented "I see you put this slip on my desk without me noticing. I guess that's why they call this class discrete mathematics."




There is a shipwreck, and the only three survivors are a Doctor, a Lawyer, and a Mathematician, in a rowboat.

After some time drifting about the seas, eventually they get get to talking and get to know each other. One day the doctor asks, "Is it better to have a wife or a girlfriend? I would say it's better to have a wife. I work long hard and emotional hours, and it's really great to have a caring wife who cooks great meals, cleans my clothes, and expertly manages our home and children."

The lawyer says, "I think it's better to have a girlfriend. I'm a Divorce Lawyer and the cost to the man in Divorce is so extreme I don't see where having a wife is worth the risk."

The mathematician says, "I think it's better to have both."

"What !?" say the doctor and lawyer. "Why?"

"Because," the mathematician says, "You can tell your wife you're working late, and your girlfriend you need to spend time with your family, which gives you more time to work on proving the Riemann Hypothesis !"



PHYSICS JOKES

Researchers in Fairbanks Alaska announced last week that they have discovered a superconductor which will operate at room temperature.



A Princeton plasma physicist is at the beach when he discovers an ancient looking oil lantern sticking out of the sand. He rubs the sand off with a towel and a genie pops out. The genie offers to grant him one wish. The physicist retrieves a map of the world from his car an circles the Middle East and tells the genie, 'I wish you to bring peace in this region'.

After 10 long minutes of deliberation, the genie replies, 'Gee, there are lots of problems there with Lebanon, Iraq, Israel, and all those other places. This is awfully embarrassing. I've never had to do this before, but I'm just going to have to ask you for another wish. This one is just too much for me'.

Taken aback, the physicist thinks a bit and asks, 'I wish that the Princeton tokamak would achieve scientific fusion energy break-even.'

After another deliberation the genie asks, 'Could I see that map again?'



Two atoms bump into each other. One says 'I think I lost an electron!' The other asks, 'Are you sure?', to which the first replies, 'I'm positive.'



A physics student was hit by a brick falling from a house. He fainted, but came to after a while and started smiling. The onlookers were worried, so they asked him why the smile. "I just realized how lucky I am because the kinetic energy is only half m v squared."



There is this farmer who is having problems with his chickens. All of the sudden, they are all getting very sick and he doesn't know what is wrong with them. After trying all conventional means, he calls a biologist, a chemist, and a physicist to see if they can figure out what is wrong. So the biologist looks at the chickens, examines them a bit, and says he has no clue what could be wrong with them. Then the chemist takes some tests and makes some measurements, but he can't come to any conclusions either. So the physicist tries. He stands there and looks at the chickens for a long time without touching them or anything. Then all of the sudden he starts scribbling away in a notebook. Finally, after several gruesome calculations, he exclaims, 'I've got it! But it only works for spherical chickens in a vacuum.'



A young physicist, upon learning that he was denied tenure after six productive years at a University in San Francisco, requested a meeting with the Provost for an explanation, and a possible appeal.

At the meeting, the Provost told the young physicist, "I'm sorry to tell you that the needs of the University have shifted somewhat, during the past six-years leading up to your tenure decision. In point of fact, what we now require is a female, condensed-matter experimentalist. Unfortunately, you are a male, high-energy theorist!"

Dejected but not defeated, the young physicist thought for a moment about the implications of the Provost's words. "Sir," he said, "I would be willing to convert in two of the three categories you mention, but ... I'll never agree to become an experimentalist!"



Work in progress. To be continued. Later this week: Engineering Jokes

ENGINEERING JOKES

The Downside of Anti-Gravity
Engineer's View of Men and Women

What’s 2+2?
 
The accountant says, “What do you want it to be?”

The mathematician says, “I believe it’s 4, but I’ll have to prove it.”

The statistician says, “The sample is too small to give a precise  answer, but based on the data set, there is a high probability it is  somewhere between 3 and 5.”

The engineer says, “The answer is 4, but I’ll have to add a safety factor so we’ll call it 5.”





Sales and Marketing Department
 
A group of Sales and Marketing personnel are charged with measuring  the height of a flagpole outside their office. They soon head outside  and start climbing all over each other in their suits and ties trying to  get the tape measure to the top of the pole.

Seeing the difficulty the group is having, an engineer that is  passing by offers to help. He quickly assesses the situation,  lifts up  the pole, and removes it from the base. Then he lays it down on the  grass and measures it end to end. When he’s done, he puts it back up,  gives his measurement to the group and walks away.

After the engineer is gone, one of the marketing guys turns to the  group and says, “That’s just like an engineer… We asked for the height  and he gave us the length.”





The Lawyer Genie
 
An engineer bought a shiny brass lamp at a garage sale. After he paid  for it, the old woman running the sale took him aside and give him a  warning: “This is a genuine genie lamp. Rub it and you will get 3  wishes, but beware… this lamp was designed by a lawyer so whatever you  wish for, every lawyer in the world will receive twice over.”

Curious, the engineer took the lamp home and proceeded to make his  first wish. “I wish for a Porsche 911.” He went to the window and looked  outside. Sure enough, there was a brand new Porsche in his driveway.  Then he looked down the street at a lawyer’s house and noticed that  there were two brand new Porsches in his driveway.

Not overly concerned, he went and rubbed the lamp again. He said, “I  wish for 10 million dollars.” Still confident from his first wish, he  was sure he now had $10 million in his bank account and every lawyer in  the world now had $20 million.

Not wanting to waste any time, the engineer immediately rubbed the  lamp again. For his last wish he said, “I wish I could donate a kidney."

.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

X-D Hahahahahahaha!

Matt85237 said...

I like them all.
I've seen the lawyer genie lamp done where it was a woman of a certain age - with her girlfriends present to advise her - and the genie would give her no-good cheating husband the same thing, times 10.
So she wished:
to be remarkably attractive,
to be very comfortably well off,
- her girlfriends criticized her up to this point because her husband was getting looks and all the money he would need to run around on her -
and,
to have a mild hearth attack...