Friday, April 1, 2011

Hathaway and Winehouse Discover Quantum Gravity

PRINCETON (USA) and CAMBRIDGE (UK) - April 1, 2033 - (TD Bank API) - The Institute of Advanced Study in Princeton Township, NJ, USA and the University of Cambridge, UK,  announced today that the equations governing "Quantum Gravity", the unification of four of the five forces of nature, have been simultaneously discovered, by former entertainers and Physics PhD's Anne Hathaway Wilczek, 51, of IAS, and Cambridge Lucasian Professor Amy Winehouse, 50.

Dr. Anne Hathaway

Dr. Amy Winehouse

"I am so-so-so excited!" Hathaway tweeted. "It's better than co-hosting The Academy Awards in a pretty dress!" Winehouse agreed, tweeting "Solving tough problems is the ultimate Rehab, quite."

The key apparently, was mixing the equations of Causal Dynamical Triangulations (CDT Buckyspace), Loop Quantum Gravity, and the saner SuperString Theory equations (those being the ones without multiverses or super-symmetric particles, which have yet to be found even at the just-commissioned VLHC), and a little Lisi E8 with a touch of Fractal Mathematics and Carrollian-Fourier Transforms, then shoving them a bit in the ana-keta super-5th dimension, stirring in a little paprika (spice is good), and seeing what cranked out.

"We double-checked our answers and found that we only made an even number of sign change errors," reported Hathaway, "so the ultimate result is true. Quantum Field Theory will never be the same."

"Most key" reported Winehouse "was realizing CDT Buckyspace, Loops, and simple Strings are all true but on different length scales, or orders of magnitude. Wheeler's crackpot 'Quantum Foam' nonsense is proven wrong and Max Tegmark's Mathematical universe hypothesis is therefore vindicated."

Hathaway added, "This should also put all this background dependency/in-dependency silliness to bed, even though we all knew that Lee Smolin, 75,  was the only person who had any idea of what that was all about in the first place. Loops are built on Buckyspace which is clearly background-free, and Strings are built on Loops which provide the background, so they're both right."

Not to be upstaged by Smolin, the other most noted figures in Loops, Abhay Ashtekar, 84,  its Founder, and Carlo Rovelli, 77, weighed in to say essentially: job well done.

In The Netherlands, Denmark, and Poland, Buckyspace co-founders Renate LollJan Ambjorn, and Jerzy Jurkiewicz were completely ecstatic that anyone was listening to them at all. The Noble Prize in Physics is theirs in short order.

In Florence, Italy, Gabriele Veneziano, 91, the very founder of String Theory, gave a big thumbs up. So did the two most courageous fellows in Strings history, being John Henry Schwarz , 92, and former Lucasian Professor Michael Green, 86. Other notable String theorists withheld opinion, notably professors Susskind, Polchinski, Nambu, Nielson, Kane, and Witten.

Meanwhile .... in Pilzn .... The Czech Republic, "popular" blogger Lubos Motl, 60, stated:

"I would very much like to comment, and you can be sure I will. In the meantime, sorry, I am in a bit of a rush. Although I am a bit "unemployed" at the moment, and have been so since Harvard and I "separated" in 2007 a mere year and a half after my initial employment (should have gone with "Skull and Bones" Yale, damn) , I do in fact have a very important lunch to attend with executives of Exxon/Mobil, Halliburton, and Rupert Murdoch's News Corp., none of which have anything to do I assure you with possible numbered Swiss bank accounts whatsoever in spite of evil rumors you may have heard about to that effect, and tomorrow, I promise, I will reply."

Asked what the main results of this accomplishment would be, Hathaway said "Lots more papers published by just about everyone, but first our work must be peer-reviewed, which shouldn't take long. After that, oh, wormholes, faster-than-light travel, time travel into the past, macro-teleportation, portable fusion engines, magnetic monopoles, alchemy and quantum computer laptops, I guess. Lots of cool stuff!"

Winehouse agreed. "I'm looking forward to transmutation, myself. Turning garden ferns into my favorite weed will save money."

John Ellis, 86, could not be reached for comment. Actually they did reach him, but he seemed in a bit of an altered state for some reason and mumbled some nonsense such as "garden ferns ... yes ... ferns ... why didn't I think of that ... ferns ... whoa ... look at that dog ... scratching itself .... awesome, man-n ... Hey! Where's my Jimi Hendrix  blacklight poster? ... ferns ... yes ... what's my name? ... whoa ... memory ... that's the SECOND thing to go ... whoa ... wanna play darts?"

Click here to see my last year's contribution to 2010 April Fool's Day tomfoolery, in which I announce that Dr. John "Ozzie" Osbourne solves two Clay Mathematics Institute Millennium Prize problems over dinner, fueled by alcohol (who knew?), those being "the Navier-Stokes existence and smoothness problem, the last remaining unsolved problem in Newtonian Classical Physics, and Riemann's Hypothesis." Oh Christ, I just quoted myself, I suck on many levels. :-(

But enough about me. I know most of you are guys, so I know what you want. That's right, more Anne Hathaway. Here goes:

Oops, sorry! That's a picture of Dr. Winehouse, in her wayward youth, one supposes. Looks like she was at Paul McCartney's estate at a party with Michael Phelps and Miley Cyrus, I speculate (and who doesn't?). Hmm, it looks like she was caught in the act of smoking ... something, while switching into her bathing suit. And what is that she's smoking, hmm? Khat, I'm guessing, although one surmises that's a very strange looking hookah. Or perhaps she's in Amsterdam? Well, there are some mysteries we'll never solve, I guess.

Oops, sorry again. This is a photograph of Dr. Shadi Bartsch, Classics expert, of The University of Chicago, whom while not a Mathematician herself, has been rumored to have met at least one at a cocktail party. I simply note her resemblance to the fine other two scientists featured today. I also married a brunette beauty. No offense intended to the blondies out there, but these are the types of women I am most attracted to, being a blondie myself. Sometimes, yes, opposites attract. I believe James Clerk-Maxwell taught us that.

Ah, here we go. 

The Hathaway Effect is the apparent correlation between times that American actress Anne Hathaway is cited in news reports and the rise in stock price for Warren Buffett's holding companyBerkshire-Hathaway.[1] The Hathaway Effect was first noticed after Hathaway hosted the 2011 Academy Awards.[2] Both the Friday before, and the Monday after the Oscars, the share prices for Berkshire-Hathaway went up substantially.[3] Its price also rose on other days Anne Hathaway made news, including several of her previous films' opening days.[4][5] Speculation on why this effect occurs has ranged from robotic stock trading programs responding to online news of the search term "Hathaway"; to a more subliminal effect on individual investors who might respond to similar news and then make investment decisions correspondingly; to simply an anomalous coincidence. Discovery of the Hathaway Effect is widely attributed to filmmaker/author Dan Mirvish who first blogged about it in The Huffington Post.[6]


  1. ^ Xeni Jardin (2 March 2011). "The Hathaway Effect"Boing Boing. Retrieved 2011-03-07.
  2. ^ Steve Jordon (4 March 2011). "Wait till she names a child Berkshire"Omaha World-Herald. Retrieved 2011-03-07.
  3. ^ Cord Jefferson (3 March 2011). "Unbelievable: Berkshire-Hathaway Stock Goes Up When Anne Hathaway Is in the News"Good Magazine. Retrieved 2011-03-07.
  4. ^ Dan Mirvish (2 March 2011). "The Hathaway Effect: How Anne Gives Warren Buffett a Rise"Huffington Post. Retrieved 2011-03-07.
  5. ^ Nick Carbone (3 March 2011). "Star Power Success: Berkshire Hathaway Stock Rises When Anne Hathaway Makes Headlines" Retrieved 2011-03-09.
  6. ^ Alexis Madrigal (18 March 2011). "Does Anne Hathaway News Drive Berkshire Hathaway's Stock?"The Atlantic. Retrieved 2011-03-19.

What follows is still the very BEST example of the MISUSE of Logic. Monty Python forever! Stick to your basic Socrates, Plato, Aristotle, and Descartes, and you'll rarely go wrong:


Pat B said...

you are so "now"... I had to ask one of my students who one of these people was.. no lie... he managed not to laugh as he explained.
My word verification today was aughthep... which is beyond my creative ability...

Steven Colyer said...

He didn't laugh ?! Then I have failed my readers. I must expand the article.

Steven Colyer said...

R.I.P. Amy Winehouse. Massively talented, gone too soon. Perhaps in one of Hugh Everett III's "Parallel" Universes, this comes true. Sigh.